Freedom is just another word

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 05:11:23 GMT

ha ha ha ha
i just recived this breif moment
of the storm, it is just breathing in,
inhaling its anhilatiting sigh

are you gonna blow my house down mr storm
no no no
its made of blood bricks
and microfibers that hold tighter than a mother and a child

really i couldnt think that these dollar signs you wave
and the spit thats in my face
or the crash courses i have reluctantly taken
could really stop me

i did not
i just thought i was going to die out there,
from toxic shock syndrome
paralyzed by inadaquate verbage and stamina
my heart palpitaitons would only let me slither

but im fine
well i never really am, i have learned to tailor a coat that is fine
and wearable is my heart tearing off my sleeve
excuse me for my obsession with cliche
you see i always drfit from it, only then clutch it so close to me
you see i am sentimental like that

i really didnt expect to write that
but i like it
its kind of where im headed right now
life was really good and of course i got knocked of the horse
sure the horse might of galloped away but i think i am just going to hail a taxi

speaking of which i am leaving for new york easter saturday

what else
oh i still love to paint and take pictures, i am very confused at what the people surrounding me want out of me, and interactions with the human race are.... i really cant find the right words

i think tommorow night might be good
MR SHS, phony male beauty pagents...yessssssssss i hope ethan wears a dress

gut me, its been a month or two

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 04:51:03 GMT

i realize i am a runner
not really in the literal sense
but in the emotional sense too
sometimes its actually physical too
its mildly appaling, and people may think its irrational
but really i think now that i see it i know i wont do it as often
and i will actually find a way to see that running is sometimes nessicary

oh believe me i fight
but so many times i run
oh god i run

so i lost my camera bfore chicago
if i live there thats all i will be taking pictures of though

im tired of flower pictures (aka nature photo)
but somtimes im so damn unispired

thinking of paintings and drawings come so horribly easy to me
but then i have no chance at executing them

i realize i also need sleep, but refuse to give myself it

i have a tenative list for a good by mix

its got Elliott smith, of montreal, the cure, bowie, ratat, billie, rufus wainright, the violent femmes, ben kweller, belle and sebastian, sufjan stevens, janis, the pixies, bright eyes, xiu xiu, and new order

its hard to make a going away mix really
i think this might be just the end of year mix / clousure mix

i dont like that im clam now
why cant this happen during the crisis

ps:i am fairly proud of myself in some areas when i look back
it feels good

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 08:52:51 GMT

wow so update

formal was very nice
dinner before was incedibly fun
and even though my date fainted earlier that day she was a very good sport

i really dont know how to answer people when they say what have i been up to

track is starting back up and its not really the same
i feel a lot faster though, lets hope i can hold it

i cant help but love the situation i am in
i mean i can wish a lot of things

i can wish that i could sketch better or deveolp some more interesting style
i can wish that retro paradise hired me
i can wish that everyones going to like me
i can wish that the plans i make will hold

but their really just really up to chance
i mean if they dont happen its not going to hurt me really
guess why
because i know its going to end well
if you continue to be good and true then good things will happen to you

ha its like a saying from moms
no its not exactly like that
its more like the divine connection of the cosmos will balance us all someday
we just have to love it

your purpose will be served

ps:I GOT INTO SAINT JOHNS
IN NEW FREAKING YORK
queens to be exact

and to top that off they are willing to pay 10,000 a year just because of academic records

im still going to find more scholarships too
shit mang

we got 2 cool schools in to cool cities

yeah i know no body says anything to these

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 23:52:44 GMT

but i have had some rough patches, and i have felt akward for most of this month

some days i have artistic breakthroughs
somedays i write like shit
i really need to work on my work ethic

that statment i have just found
is the most cyclical hilarious and disgusting thing i have said for a while

im frightened of not being there
of being in the wrong places

im frightened i dont get to hear why something happened
i dont know

i feel like my mouth has recently gotten me in trouble
i used to be so nice
now i say things that i feel that could be overly mean
and it comes back on me
i guess when i speak i should keep in mind my philosophy that my view of a human should remain dynamic

and im get unbearably sad when i know someone is lying to me
then i realize i lie so much sometimes
i wish someone would tell me what the fuck was wrong
this inst directed at one person, actually there are a few people like this
i sometimes am one of them

if we didnt have any senses sadly earth would remain existing without us to enjoy it
i dont know why i said that
i just talked about it last night with my friend nick

i want some one to say something about this
please give me some sort of feedback

ps:
chicago visit
february
around the 19th
shit man
i hear that city does wonders

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 05:04:59 GMT

wow

this year
so wonderful
honestly i have never had so many good days strung together
i love this whole situation

i am think i am going to do a new photo project
on my own
im going to take portraits of santa cruz
yes
notify me if you would like to participate

Sat, 23 Dec 2006 00:02:07 GMT

ahhh so good
and bad

i made some cash off my trippy bowls
having fun
going back and forth with my family

yeahaslk;sd;lkjdfl;kjsdlkj;sd;lkjjsdl;kjsdf
christams season

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 02:52:59 GMT

so do you want the short version of my weekend

baiscally i was meant to be a leader among people my own age and still have the ability to expirence the process of spiritual growth

small group disscussions about faith in life and extracting that which brings our souls down ended in talks about kerouac, jackson pollack and generally me being profoundly moved by what people really had to say about faith in their life

it consisted on an unbathed patrick emotionally deconstructing himself, slowly, before rolling his sins into a ciagrette paper, confessing his sins to a preist and reciving buddhist proverbs, and then burning his sins in a large fire

this was all done mostly shoeless(some moccison wearing for the occasional puddle stomp), inside in oven hot rooms and outside in the cold rain

most likely coupled with my cordouroy cut offs and a vest

i need to shave

i am sooooo glad no one fell off the cliffs

especially me

im not joking my brain was expanded

my heart was expanded
i dont think i can be so much of a hypocrate

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 00:34:39 GMT

starting tomnmorow at 1 o clock pm
none of you will be able to talk to me
i am going on (a) retreat

its not really running away from my problems
its finding out what causes them

a little known fact about patrick gill is that he is a youth group leader at his church
he is going to be on a church retreat until sunday
hopefully he will returned fulfiled
or at least with some modifications ( like a death ray eye)

let hope i dont fall off the cliffs
i love you all

i really feel the need to see shortbus

Mon, 04 Dec 2006 08:02:17 GMT

i need to buy christmas gifts
for many people
and work on homework
and shit i just saw the clock
i need sleep

my mess is catching me i think

im going to a church retreat next/this weekend
prepare to miss me for a weekend
maybe we will hang out durning the week
maybe if you help me shop
or survive

Sun, 26 Nov 2006 18:00:42 GMT

im still deciding whether or not this weekend has been good

i mean i did get my dream car totaled
and graanted the closest thing i got a vacation was fresno
i honestly think this was a pretty great break

i love the people i know, and i know a lot of people

i have a lot of plans ahead of me now
i think i will enjoy wrtitng a paper on the simplicty of piet mondrians paintings

i am in such an akward state right now
but its teetering on good

i really need to see certain people
but dont i always say that

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 07:15:09 GMT

grosss barbgin hunters,
if you wish to contact us
we will pick up are cell phones
but i dont know how good the reception is on mars

somethings are hitting me in the face
and i feel like i am punching someone in the gut
but they have already cut me

wow
you would think pacifist wouldnt resort to such a battle

JEFF AND TERESA ARE HOME THIS WEEK
i need to see my sister more than ever
you know i think age has taught me to love her

and jeff
jeff
i am so badly looking forward to seeing you finally smile

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 00:51:16 GMT

if you let it
the jungle with crush you

you will be destroyed
from the inside out

and you will leave
a hollowed eyed man
,gaunt buddha,
reclined in lotus position on the rythum of the
sea

heart of darkness fucks with you brain man
i just want to know why the hell my teacher said parts of it were mysoginistic

anyways
thanksgiving is coming
then christmas shopping

i feel like visiting people a lot more
i like my periodic trips to the valley every once and a while
but i feel like i miss a few people in particular

Sun, 12 Nov 2006 20:06:25 GMT

its over
i have been around (watching it and running in it)cross country for 10 years
thats more than half of my life
and you know what
i smile lokking back on it

i wish people were easy to figure out
i well
i guess then we would have no fun in the world now would we

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 04:28:20 GMT

ha ha
i found a better picture
this is me blonde
and realizing i hate lipstick
on halloween

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 22:29:14 GMT

this is just one picture of the transylvanians
yeah
i wish i had more

Sun, 05 Nov 2006 18:31:41 GMT

im very sad rocky horror is over

this means no more weekly trips to the valley
no more thick eastern european accent
no more running into the ben lomond market trying to find dinner or trying to hide that you are not wearing that much clothing
no more yelling at actors
no more singing or dancing the timewarp

and the people
oh god the people
the people in rocky horror have been nothing but nice to me since day one
and i hope to still see all of them

i hope we get two weekends at the rio theather
it has been heavily talked about
and everyone wants to
but we have to work some things out to do it right

on another note
i dont know if i like having someone on my mind

Fri, 03 Nov 2006 04:28:12 GMT

we made it to CCS
yep
the team that almost didnt have a coach
the team that almost didnt have enough runners
the team that no one ever hears about

so what if we were fourth in leauge
when you have around 11 people
both genders
out for your sport
and you have 7 of them make it to CCS
its nearly incredible

i just needed to celebrate

i have the SAT II in LIT on saturday
shit meng

this a perfect high to some of my lows this week

Wed, 01 Nov 2006 23:22:01 GMT

i feel like i am alinating people
and that my life is tossing
and turning
and that i can keep track of who i am or who i am with
and what may be going on

tommorow is leauge finals
next week is ccs if we move on
we are a fiesty small team
and my ass is on the line

i am the battle axe
i have been around
to hell and back on that team
i am going to run well

no matter what life is handing me that day
or any other day

halloween just passed
i feel almost like i missed it
i feel like having costume days

oh by the way
im blonde

Mon, 30 Oct 2006 07:02:20 GMT

some moments are still mildly hazey in my mind right now
but i will be working them out with individuals in a timely fashion

i realized this week is leauge finals

tommorow you should expect a change
no seriously
if something hasnt thrown you off you should wait until tommorow night

if i already havent forced it on you
THE ROCKY HORROR SHOW IS IN BEN LOMOND AT PARK HALL
RIGHT NEXT TO BEN LOMOND MARKET
IT PLAYS ON HALLOWEEN
AND NOV 3 AND 4
AT 8 PM
GET YOUR TICKETS AT STREETLIGHT
WE HAVE BEEN HAVING PACKED HOUSES FOR EVERY PREFORMANCE
AND IT FEELS INCREDIBLE

come see me make an ass of myself
in eyeliner and a vest

i wonder what would have happened if i were a theater kid
no
life has too much drama
the stage has nothing on the world

i took my halloween costume in a new direction
its now my dream ship and i am going to be frozen in my non existant/still being played out childhood

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 20:51:24 GMT

ha
after the post about stressing over colleges
i check my email the next day

i got into SF State

thats why i applied early

1 down, 9 to go

my sister said that i have to go to SF State
because she is moving up there next year
to do physical therapy type things
and she wants to have friends in the city
holy shit that would be crazy

Wed, 25 Oct 2006 06:51:12 GMT

why do college applications have to suck so much
i realized today that no matter where i go to college
i will be on a coast

yes i am counting the great lakes as a coast
ok so i will just be near large bodies of water

im crossing my fingers and praying
i guess i only want a few out of my top ten though
i mean i really deeply want to get into university of chicago, depaul, sfstate, fordham and Boston u.

the order changes way to much
thats why i am making visits in the winter to my cold climate schools
so i can see them at their worst

king?

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 19:54:42 GMT

yep

im a winner

thats all on that subject

but other than that
life is going pretty bumpy, cant call it bad though
its just rough
rough yet fun
yeah thats it
lets just say im wasting too much gas
and i think im gonna start riding my bike after XC season
speaking of which
i love running still
but its hard
it just hasnt been at the forefront of my mind
i guess thats good

speaking of gas

I WOULD LIKE TO INVITE YOU ALL
TO THE
ROCKY
HORROR
PICTURE
SHOW

OCT 27, 28, 31, NOV 3,4
AT PARK HALL IN BEN LOMOND
BEHIND BEN LOMOND MARKET

I BELIEVE AROUND 8 OCLOCK
IM GONNA POST THIS AGAIN SOMEDAY

i know this a bit of a cliched theme

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 21:36:20 GMT

but i want out

why do we wrap ourselves up in insignificant arguments
and trying to prove we are so the originals

im caustic
i swear

maybe im masochistic
i mean i want to be a high school teacher
which means dwelling in the same drama for years
revisiting the beautiful atrocity that was my adolecent years

maybe i want to help kids get out
cathcer in the rye moment

i find it sad that i pray to be truly liked by people
i mean, not just at a face value
to have someone earnestly have be, not a crutch but a rail

why cant i just settle for superficial
why cant i just partake in the drama
why cant i just love someone
seriously
i am inadequate

sure
i dont mind you can all look down at me now
note that i ahve shrunken
i hope you are having fun
im just going to find my way through the forest

i hate preconcived notions
i hate it when people think i hate them
it just makes me more frustrated at them
which is making i had to love them
damn it
judgement is ok to a degree but please
learn that you will waste your life building walls
and when the people you trusted escaped
you learn there were so many good people just on the other side

i miss innocence
ahhhsadf;lkjdfsal;

fuck
end

this isnt what normal high school people do
they just have it stuck in their head

Tue, 10 Oct 2006 03:02:31 GMT

i swear im getting too old every second

what if i seriously went into seclusion

some biches need to shut up and realize that im not here for their amusment
there there is my angry part of the post
gggrrrrrrrrrrrrr

im enjoying making collages
and wondering how to improve any piece of art i put my hands on

ps: im going to be an usher/transylvanian in ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW
i pretty much show you to your seat in costume
and i get in a fight scene
its gonna be good
come come come
i will put out dates later

stream stream babble young brook

Thu, 28 Sep 2006 05:53:24 GMT

everything ceramic that i make breaks
so i have remade so much shit it almost isnt funny anymore

i leave too many thing behind
im going through that period of losing everything
but i have been it for so long
and its getting worse
maybe its the sharpie drawings almost everynight

i have watercolors at home
and i found that if i am in complete scilence i can sketch pretty well
i did a self portrait
and a bunch of colors on top of it
i was testing the paint
it looks nice
i then launched myself into an abstract painting that looks a lot like the burning bush
i like it
i think i will draw things over it
painting really centers me
but painting in class is hard

i really want to start my own garden
im going to make lists of what i must do each day in ceramics
im glad there is no meet tommorow
i dont like the over analysis of hamlet in ap english
i think he wasnt exactly how the teacher says he is, wanting everyone to pity him
i think he convinces himself things are worse then thay are
i think he gets too caught up in the act and laspses into madness
he drifts in and out

i really like succlent plants and african american history
i wish i could create something that wouldnt break so easily
will anybody respond
to any small bit of what im saying

i wish i had time to make shirts
i wish i could just do art you know
but english helps too, i just dont know if i have my same old passion for it
i think im going to take cabrillo poetry

so who wants to see the science of sleep on friday
i swear i might cry in it
i almost cried in ceramics
its just everything
i mean everything broke
one by one each piece
and i couldnt fucking stop it
i would just put a little fix on it

i wish my room had a magnolia tree
moonlight and grass
and warm orange quilt
and billie holiday sang me to sleep from her perch in the tree

i really need some closure
i have wieght trainning ADD
and probably regualr ADD
or i have convinced myself into having it
lets write out your projects patrick

lets fall asleep
goodnight